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Living While Fat My Story

The New Normal

Finally, I feel like I am up to speed on a fairly good new routine. Here are some things I am doing:

  • Being really careful about my morning routine, including showering, dressing, meditation, breakfast, and meds.
  • Posting my outfit and makeup on Insta every day, as a way of making sure I really do get dressed and “presentable.”
  • Doing some fitness every day. I now have a zoom HAES personal trainer, and we have appointments three times per week. I have also subscribed to Curvy Yoga Studio. If you are a user of that site and have favorite videos, let me know–I am still trying to figure out which one is best! We are also trying to get outside and walk our dogs in the evenings. That has only happened once so far.
  • Being vigilant about journaling and trying to blog more regularly too.
  • Working to organize my house 30m per day.
  • Trying to keep a work routine. It is virtually impossible and probably unnecessary for me to work a full eight hour day most days right now, but I am trying to do work everyday. My work to-do list is so much shorter than usual, and has virtually nothing genuinely urgent on it, which makes it hard to focus.
  • Doing some crafts every day, including making masks for my doctor relatives.

Here are some things I am not doing yet:

  • Cleaning my house–my husband is being really great about straightening up, but the time will come soon when things need to be scrubbed and I genuinely don’t know how to do that. It will be fun. I’m nervous.
  • Eating well. I’m trying to stabilize my eating and we are doing well at having discrete meals and sitting down to eat dinner more than usual, but my eating is still a mess. Lots of heavy comfort foods.
  • Reading/Studying–this seems like a great time to read some of the large stack of serious books on my shelf and/or learn a new language or subject, but somehow I haven’t gotten that far.

I hope you all out there are finding things to do and figuring out ways to get out of bed and live a productive life. What are you doing to keep yourself moving–literally and figuratively?

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My Story

When Life is “Under Control” and When it is Not

Work was insanely busy last week. I got so behind that I simply shut down, stopped answering emails and started blindly staring at my computer in the rare quiet moments in my office. By Friday I was in full collapse. Luckily I had no plans for the weekend so I simply hibernated for two days.

Unfortunately I think this is the new normal–the next few months look to be pretty bad. Time at my desk actually getting shit done will be very limited (something like 7-10 hours a week), contact hours of meetings and appointments will be way up.

This is partially my own decision, a result of actually prioritizing self-care. I now get to work around 10 each day, with morning appointments for therapy, nutrition, group, and training. So you’d think, ok, well work shut down but luckily I was set up with some boss self-care so I weathered it pretty well. Right? Right?

Not so much. It turns out that no matter how much self-care I have set up and how much I tell myself that I am focusing on self-care right now and will be content to merely do my job well, failure to stay 100% on top of my job leads to breakdown. Breakdown leads to failure to meditate, journal, exercise, get out of bed, put on clothes, shower, etc etc etc. So much for focusing on self-care.

Breakdown also leads to huge amounts of emotional food drama. I didn’t have a full binge but I had a LOT of food thoughts, food self-argumentation, food eating when not entirely hungry, food not stopping when definitely pretty full, food choices that didn’t feel like what my body really wanted.

I’m pretty sure a huge amount of the breakdown was just simple exhaustion. I am the world’s most sociable introvert, and when I’ve over-extended on the social scale (which happens a lot in my line of work), I just collapse. I also need more sleep than I get (who doesn’t?). I’m working on the self-compassion to know that I was over-stressed and that I am not now a failure because of the breakdown.

I’m also working to get back on my feet. Today was a fairly quiet day and a lot of that missed work got done. My work to-do list only has about 20 things on it. Bracing for impact tomorrow. Wish me luck!