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Living While Fat My Story

The New Normal

Finally, I feel like I am up to speed on a fairly good new routine. Here are some things I am doing:

  • Being really careful about my morning routine, including showering, dressing, meditation, breakfast, and meds.
  • Posting my outfit and makeup on Insta every day, as a way of making sure I really do get dressed and “presentable.”
  • Doing some fitness every day. I now have a zoom HAES personal trainer, and we have appointments three times per week. I have also subscribed to Curvy Yoga Studio. If you are a user of that site and have favorite videos, let me know–I am still trying to figure out which one is best! We are also trying to get outside and walk our dogs in the evenings. That has only happened once so far.
  • Being vigilant about journaling and trying to blog more regularly too.
  • Working to organize my house 30m per day.
  • Trying to keep a work routine. It is virtually impossible and probably unnecessary for me to work a full eight hour day most days right now, but I am trying to do work everyday. My work to-do list is so much shorter than usual, and has virtually nothing genuinely urgent on it, which makes it hard to focus.
  • Doing some crafts every day, including making masks for my doctor relatives.

Here are some things I am not doing yet:

  • Cleaning my house–my husband is being really great about straightening up, but the time will come soon when things need to be scrubbed and I genuinely don’t know how to do that. It will be fun. I’m nervous.
  • Eating well. I’m trying to stabilize my eating and we are doing well at having discrete meals and sitting down to eat dinner more than usual, but my eating is still a mess. Lots of heavy comfort foods.
  • Reading/Studying–this seems like a great time to read some of the large stack of serious books on my shelf and/or learn a new language or subject, but somehow I haven’t gotten that far.

I hope you all out there are finding things to do and figuring out ways to get out of bed and live a productive life. What are you doing to keep yourself moving–literally and figuratively?

Categories
Eating Disorders Living While Fat My Story

Eating in Lockdown

Ok, I’m not really in “lockdown,” but we are under a “stay at home” order and I haven’t been out in days. And eating is hard. Or…too easy.

For most of my adult life I have not fed myself. I eat a lot of takeout, restaurant food, fast food, prepared foods…you get the idea. So now that I am stuck at home it is a big change for me. For the first time in years we have tons of food in our fridge and freezer and pantry. We have been cooking–not all the time, but every day or two. This would all seem like a positive change, and I hope it will be.

The issue is that I am eating too much. I know a lot of people who are saying that they are having trouble keeping out of the kitchen, that they are grazing all day, and are “going to get fat.” I don’t actually have that problem. In fact, left to my own devices, I apparently tend to ignore my bodily needs for hours on end.

Yesterday evening I ate dinner around 6pm. It was a large meal–hot dogs, cheese and crackers, ice cream sundae, poptarts–and I wasn’t hungry again before bed. At 1 am I woke up ravenous. This is a pattern I have. I eat a large early dinner and don’t eat in the evening. I wake up hungry in the middle of the night. And then I don’t get up and eat. I go back to sleep, even if it takes a lot of work to do so. When I wake up in the morning, I am rarely super hungry–it takes my stomach about an hour to “wake up.” So it ended up being 9:30 today before I ate again. 15 1/2 hour fast. I know, I know, it’s all trendy to do 16 hour fasts every day–but at least for me, this is not healthy. Because the result is another huge meal–this time a large-ish frozen quiche and a large slice of leftover birthday cake. And then digestive unhappiness, wasted time, and discomfort.

How to break this cycle? I’m supposed to be keeping food by my bed so that I can eat when I wake up hungry. I even have a mini portable fridge/cooler to use for this purpose. I just don’t want to use it. It’s a holdover from diet culture. Only losers eat at night. Evening eating and–gasp!–night eating are the marks of the devil. It is a sign of good “willpower” to make it until morning to eat. When you’re done for the day you’re done. I need to get over this but for whatever reason it is more firmly stuck in my brain than most diet culture adages. And I need to work on self-compassion on the subject–but self-compassion is one thing and my body’s physical distress reaction is something else.