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Depression Eating Disorders Living While Fat My Story

ARFID rears its ugly head

I have eating disorders. Two, mainly. ARFID and Binge Eating Disorder [BED] (with occasional visits from the Anorexia and Bulimia fairies). It took me many, many years to acknowledge that I had an eating disorder at all. I thought I just ate too much. I thought it was because I was weak willed or addicted or some other thing. Now I know that the reason I eat too much consistently over time is because of my deeply disordered eating. I’ve posted before (see links above) about what the DSM V has to say about eating disorders. Spoiler: It’s very simplistic and reductionist and not exactly body positive.

In any case, I have been diagnosed with BED for five years or so, although it hasn’t been nearly that long since I accepted the diagnosis. Having BED means I dissociate when I am eating and eat far too much at individual sittings, to the point of becoming sick. It means I prefer calorie dense foods. It means I need to feel full to feel safe and comfortable.

But it turns out, it’s not the point. The first term I heard the term “ARFID” was about a year ago, when I met my current nutritionist, who is an ED specialist. She did my intake interview, and asked if I had ever heard of ARFID. No, I hadn’t. What was it? ARFID–avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder–is a food/eating anxiety disorder. Food makes me anxious and it is hard for me to deal with preparing or eating complex or highly variable foods. I avoid fruits, vegetables, fatty meats, anything that might spoil or be mushy. I’m hypersensitive to the texture and smell of my food. And if a food turns me off once, it can take me a very, very long time to try it again. Classic ARFID anecdote: I once tried, in a diet context, to eat a piece of pineapple in front of a group of friends. I bit down, got one hint of the texture of the stuff, gagged, spit it out, and choke/cough/gagged for about five minutes. Needless to say, breakfast was over.

I am finding ARFID much harder to fight than BED. I believe now that ARFID is the root disorder–at some point in my early childhood I became deeply anxious about food–and that BED is actually a coping mechanism to keep me from starving to death. When I am dissociated I can eat, which, honestly, is a relief after the way the ARFID makes me feel. I eat so much partially because I subconsciously know that my ARFID is going to keep me from eating again until I am famished and I need to “stock up.”

It is probably no surprise that in this most anxious of times, the ARFID is in control again. Over the past 3-4 weeks, there has been incident after incident of me panicking over food, refusing to eat until I am in pain from hunger, and being unable to feed myself or, sometimes, even move until I am hand-fed by my husband. I wept over a bloody egg. I panicked over a bag of vegetables and shoved it in the fridge still in the supermarket bag. I went to bed hungry (a lot of times).

My nutritionist says that many of her ED patients are experience an exacerbated tendency to restrictive food behaviors right now. It’s the anxiety. It’s so hard to care for oneself in general, and when you have an ED (or more than one) it is already harder. I don’t actually know what to do. I’m becoming dependent on my husband, who is learning to spot the signs that I’ve gone into an ARFID state. I ate twice today. I can remember only one day in the past two weeks when I had more than three eating episodes, and most days are either two, or two plus a middle-of-the-night panicked kitchen run by hubby. I’m regressing and I don’t know what to do, how to get out. The feeling of not eating, the knowing that I am not gaining weight even in enforced idleness and surrounded by a food-filled kitchen–it’s enticing. I don’t know how to beat it or even start fighting it.

I will say this, though–if I see one more meme about people getting fat right now and grazing too much, I am going to punch a wall.

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Living While Fat My Story

The New Normal

Finally, I feel like I am up to speed on a fairly good new routine. Here are some things I am doing:

  • Being really careful about my morning routine, including showering, dressing, meditation, breakfast, and meds.
  • Posting my outfit and makeup on Insta every day, as a way of making sure I really do get dressed and “presentable.”
  • Doing some fitness every day. I now have a zoom HAES personal trainer, and we have appointments three times per week. I have also subscribed to Curvy Yoga Studio. If you are a user of that site and have favorite videos, let me know–I am still trying to figure out which one is best! We are also trying to get outside and walk our dogs in the evenings. That has only happened once so far.
  • Being vigilant about journaling and trying to blog more regularly too.
  • Working to organize my house 30m per day.
  • Trying to keep a work routine. It is virtually impossible and probably unnecessary for me to work a full eight hour day most days right now, but I am trying to do work everyday. My work to-do list is so much shorter than usual, and has virtually nothing genuinely urgent on it, which makes it hard to focus.
  • Doing some crafts every day, including making masks for my doctor relatives.

Here are some things I am not doing yet:

  • Cleaning my house–my husband is being really great about straightening up, but the time will come soon when things need to be scrubbed and I genuinely don’t know how to do that. It will be fun. I’m nervous.
  • Eating well. I’m trying to stabilize my eating and we are doing well at having discrete meals and sitting down to eat dinner more than usual, but my eating is still a mess. Lots of heavy comfort foods.
  • Reading/Studying–this seems like a great time to read some of the large stack of serious books on my shelf and/or learn a new language or subject, but somehow I haven’t gotten that far.

I hope you all out there are finding things to do and figuring out ways to get out of bed and live a productive life. What are you doing to keep yourself moving–literally and figuratively?

Categories
Eating Disorders Living While Fat My Story

Eating in Lockdown

Ok, I’m not really in “lockdown,” but we are under a “stay at home” order and I haven’t been out in days. And eating is hard. Or…too easy.

For most of my adult life I have not fed myself. I eat a lot of takeout, restaurant food, fast food, prepared foods…you get the idea. So now that I am stuck at home it is a big change for me. For the first time in years we have tons of food in our fridge and freezer and pantry. We have been cooking–not all the time, but every day or two. This would all seem like a positive change, and I hope it will be.

The issue is that I am eating too much. I know a lot of people who are saying that they are having trouble keeping out of the kitchen, that they are grazing all day, and are “going to get fat.” I don’t actually have that problem. In fact, left to my own devices, I apparently tend to ignore my bodily needs for hours on end.

Yesterday evening I ate dinner around 6pm. It was a large meal–hot dogs, cheese and crackers, ice cream sundae, poptarts–and I wasn’t hungry again before bed. At 1 am I woke up ravenous. This is a pattern I have. I eat a large early dinner and don’t eat in the evening. I wake up hungry in the middle of the night. And then I don’t get up and eat. I go back to sleep, even if it takes a lot of work to do so. When I wake up in the morning, I am rarely super hungry–it takes my stomach about an hour to “wake up.” So it ended up being 9:30 today before I ate again. 15 1/2 hour fast. I know, I know, it’s all trendy to do 16 hour fasts every day–but at least for me, this is not healthy. Because the result is another huge meal–this time a large-ish frozen quiche and a large slice of leftover birthday cake. And then digestive unhappiness, wasted time, and discomfort.

How to break this cycle? I’m supposed to be keeping food by my bed so that I can eat when I wake up hungry. I even have a mini portable fridge/cooler to use for this purpose. I just don’t want to use it. It’s a holdover from diet culture. Only losers eat at night. Evening eating and–gasp!–night eating are the marks of the devil. It is a sign of good “willpower” to make it until morning to eat. When you’re done for the day you’re done. I need to get over this but for whatever reason it is more firmly stuck in my brain than most diet culture adages. And I need to work on self-compassion on the subject–but self-compassion is one thing and my body’s physical distress reaction is something else.