Recently I took up yoga again. I have always enjoyed yoga, when I have been able to find welcoming, supportive contexts in which to practice. I have never gotten a regular practice going because, first, honestly it hasn’t been a major priority and, second, it is hard to find a studio and an instructor that […]
Ordinarily, I have a houeskeeper. I have had a cleaning service since I was in graduate school, even though we were poor(ish) and couldn’t afford it. It was a priority among luxuries for me, because I like a clean home and I hate to clean. Not just hate it, but am bad at it. Even […]
I have eating disorders. Two, mainly. ARFID and Binge Eating Disorder [BED] (with occasional visits from the Anorexia and Bulimia fairies). It took me many, many years to acknowledge that I had an eating disorder at all. I thought I just ate too much. I thought it was because I was weak willed or addicted […]
When you close your eyes, how do you see yourself? Like most properly acculturated fat people, for my entire life, when I have closed my eyes and visualized myself, I have seen a “normal girl,”* maybe a little curvy but basically thin and fit and pretty. I feel that I am a pretty typical fat […]
Is “exercise” a diet culture word? Is it “diet culture” to want to work out to the point of feeling some soreness the next day, to push yourself and want to develop strength and tone? I am not sure. My nutritionist often gives me push back for using words like “workout” and “exercise” and my […]
Finally, I feel like I am up to speed on a fairly good new routine. Here are some things I am doing: Being really careful about my morning routine, including showering, dressing, meditation, breakfast, and meds. Posting my outfit and makeup on Insta every day, as a way of making sure I really do get […]
Ok, I’m not really in “lockdown,” but we are under a “stay at home” order and I haven’t been out in days. And eating is hard. Or…too easy. For most of my adult life I have not fed myself. I eat a lot of takeout, restaurant food, fast food, prepared foods…you get the idea. So […]
I said I was going to blog every day and it has been almost a week. It turns out it is really hard to hold things together day after day when everything–job, exercise, relationships–is inside your own house. I’m blessed to have a large, beautiful house that I find to be a pleasant place in […]
I deliberately let this blog drop over the past few months. I haven’t been feeling very talkative, and every time I tried to write I would just end up with a half-finished draft that never got posted. So finally I made a conscious decision to let it go. It didn’t fit with my new, extroverted, […]
I’m learning to accept my body as it is. It’s not always easy–it comes and goes–because I am very, very fat. Somewhere on the edge between superfat and infinifat, depending who you ask. Some days I am completely at home in here, and other days I feel like a caricature of a human being. The […]
As I have written about before, I have binge eating disorder. I have been working hard on this, on staying in tune with my body so I don’t fully check out and eat more than I mean to, on letting myself not finish food that I have obtained, and on knowing that food will be […]
For a sequence of minor but congruent reasons, my lack of close personal friends has been much on my mind lately. I live a very social life: my job requires constant interaction with others, I am happily married and very close to my husband, and I am also very close to my sibs and my […]
It’s been a while…I had a rough fall. In August I cut back on a med–Abilify–which I had been taking for years for my depression. I cut it back because I had been doing so well that I thought I might not need it any more. No such luck. I spent three months dealing with […]
It is Weight Stigma Awareness Week, hosted by the National Eating Disorders Association. My recent experiences have made me particularly sensitive right now to issues of weight stigma. Normally, I think weight stigma is such a constant hum in my life that it often settles to the level of background noise. Weight stigma is never […]
Last week was awful. And strange. I came home Sunday evening from the event I posted about here. I was extremely tired, but I slept a lot and got up and went to work on Monday. It was a normal, if sleepy, day. Shutdown Tuesday morning I woke up and my brain said “No.” I […]
I’m going to try to write everyday–it’s good for me to be consistent and I have a lot I want to talk about, but we’ll see. Sometimes I get exhausted or too busy or just too deflated to talk about something significant. There’s two ways I know how to eat. 1) All the things. The […]
Short post tonight. Hideously busy at work today and now exhausted. Had a training appointment today with a #haes, weight neutral trainer. Lovely experience. Very gentle but I still feel sore. Glad to be back to doing some strength training. I missed it. Glad there are trainers out there for people like me.
I had what I would describe as a near-binge last night. I had a bad day at work. One of those days where you’re running around all over the place and yet somehow have gotten nothing done at the end of the day. It was 6:30pm, I was exhausted, grumpy, still not alone in my […]
Work was insanely busy last week. I got so behind that I simply shut down, stopped answering emails and started blindly staring at my computer in the rare quiet moments in my office. By Friday I was in full collapse. Luckily I had no plans for the weekend so I simply hibernated for two days. […]
I weigh a lot. A lot of a lot. I know this for sure, because I weigh myself nearly every day. This is a holdover habit from one of the last diets I truly threw myself into. My scale is in my entrance hall. Seriously, you come in, welcome to my home, there are the […]
I met my husband when I was in college. At first, I was honestly just glad that anyone was interested in me and I wasn’t necessarily going to die alone. I am painfully aware from the experiences of others in my close family that this method of choosing men is fraught with peril. But I […]
Warning: This post contains specific details of my experience of my eating disorder. Some parts of it could potentially be triggering to others with eating disorders. The DSM V says: Binge Eating Disorder: 307.51 (F50.8) A. Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following: 1. […]
I’m lucky in my life these days not to face a lot of explicit fatphobia. But what I do face, and I think all of us super- or infinifats face, is fat ignorance, fat invisibility, and a lack of fat accessibility.
I’m very bad about food ownership. I really don’t like people to touch my food. I really like to know that there will be exactly as much of whatever tomorrow as I left today.
About six months ago, I started to work with a new nutritionist. I’ve been dieting, weight cycling, and bingeing since I was about 10 or 12 years old, so I’m an old hand with nutritionists. I had a psychologist who specialized in eating issues, and she suddenly left private practice, and I had no one […]
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