Depression My Story

And so…

I said I was going to blog every day and it has been almost a week. It turns out it is really hard to hold things together day after day when everything–job, exercise, relationships–is inside your own house. I’m blessed to have a large, beautiful house that I find to be a pleasant place in which to hole up, but still. Still.

I thought I had set up a good routine, built fences around disaster, but then I collapsed. Tuesday and Wednesday were disasters. Crankiness, lying in bed, general unhappiness and uselessness. Thursday, I decided I was going to have a planned day off and not try to catch up, in order to give myself mental space for my mood to pick up.

That actually worked, and yesterday and today have been much better. Still I live in fear that this will become the new normal–a weekly roller coaster from abject misery to productive energy. The roller coaster itself is already starting to wear on me and I’ve only ridden it for two week-cycles.

How can I fight this roller coaster? I think the only thing I can do is the thing I have already been trying to do, which is to keep a routine as best I can. I have set up workouts three times a week, with zoom-based accountability, I have committed to posting my outfit on Insta everyday in order to force myself to actually get presentably dressed, and, of course, I have my job, which I am trying to do.

Part of the issue is that my job is normally very busy. Right now, although I still have an important, useful job that needs to be done, it seems to be running at about 50%, which means it is about 75% of a job. That extra 25% is an issue, partially because I’m not entirely sure what to do with myself, but more because I start to think I have caught up and then I stop paying attention, and then I fall behind. Another roller coaster to ride.

I am crafty and I like to read and I like various video games and other games that can be played remotely, and moreover my house needs a spring clean of epic proportions. So it’s not as if I have nothing to do. I’m just not doing it. I realize I am not special in this–that most people right now are adjusting to a new normal that is much less busy and exciting than the old normal, and that this adjustment involves lots of being less productive than one would like. I’m just acknowledging here that this is also happening to me.

In my next post I’m going to try to write about how my eating patterns have been affected–because they have been, and badly–but this post already seems enough for today. Keep safe, y’all!

By Michelle

I am on a journey to body liberation and self love. Being fat, either superfat or infinifat depending on the day, and in my forties, there isn't a lot of visibility of people like me. Sharing my story as I try to figure things out.

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