As I have written about before, I have binge eating disorder. I have been working hard on this, on staying in tune with my body so I don’t fully check out and eat more than I mean to, on letting myself not finish food that I have obtained, and on knowing that food will be there later if I leave it now. This is working. I haven’t had what I would describe as a true binge in a number of months. I am still partially checking out. I am not eating often enough and therefore eating too much in each eating episode. I am still eating highly dense and heavy foods which I don’t even want to be eating but which seem like a good idea at the time. However, my binge eating disorder is a much less serious complaint than it was six months ago.
I am losing weight. I am not weighing myself regularly, but I did weigh myself about two weeks ago and I found that I had lost about 15 or 20 pounds from where I was in late summer. This is to be expected as I am not bingeing nearly as much. The theory is, as one gets closer and closer to eating as one’s body truly wants, one’s body will naturally approach the weight that it wants to be at–an internal set point.
Problem is, I also have ARFID, Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, about which the DSM V says this:
- An eating or feeding disturbance (e.g., apparent lack of interest in eating or food; avoidance based on the sensory characteristics of food; concern about aversive consequences of eating) as manifested by persistent failure to meet appropriate nutritional and/or energy needs associated with one (or more) of the following:
- Significant weight loss (or failure to achieve expected weight gain or faltering growth in children).
- Significant nutritional deficiency.
- Dependence on enteral feeding or oral nutritional supplements.
- Marked interference with psychosocial functioning.
- The disturbance is not better explained by lack of available food or by an associated culturally sanctioned practice.
- The eating disturbance does not occur exclusively during the course of anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, and there is no evidence of a disturbance in the way in which one’s body weight or shape is experienced.
- The eating disturbance is not attributable to a concurrent medical condition or not better explained by another mental disorder. When the eating disturbance occurs in the context of another condition or disorder, the severity of the eating disturbance exceeds that routinely associated with the condition or disorder and warrants additional clinical attention.
ARFID means I am picky to the point of disruption in my nutritional health. In my case I am unwilling to eat virtually any fruit. My nutritionist says this is fairly normal for ARFID sufferers, as fruit is very delicate and unpredictable–sometimes it is amazing and other times gross, and you can’t always tell before you bite in. I have an unnatural level of anxiety about whether I will bite into a mealy apple or a soft blueberry, and so I don’t bite into fruit at all. Veggies are a bit better, but have similar issues.
My eating habits are extremely texture- and smell-driven and focus on high calorie density foods, because every eating episode is an anxious and stressful experience for me. So I eat as much as I can in each one so as to avoid eating for as long as possible; I eat the simplest, mildest foods possible because I want to minimize the stress of the eating episode itself.
It would seem that the binge eating disorder is actually a coping mechanism–to ensure that I get enough food, I overeat when I do eat. Now that the binges have eased off a bit, I am starting to get to the root of the matter, which is that I routinely (as in at least once a day) find myself avoiding eating, even though I am hungry and aware that I am hungry, because I am too stressed out by figuring out what I am willing to eat, how to get it, etc. Hence, weight loss.
Any sane person would probably be pretty sanguine about a superfat losing weight, but to me it is a mixed blessing. Yes, I have health effects from my weight. Yes, I have social and career impacts. But I have spent the past year learning to love myself as I am and to accept that dieting is a cruelty imposed on us by a sexist, racist, cishetnormative culture. So now I am not sure if I am allowed to feel happy about losing weight. Worse, I am afraid that feeling happy about losing weight will let loose the diet culture in me all over again.
My nutritionist in fact fears that I have anorexic tendencies as well, typified by not wanting to eat because of the joy of controlling myself and the sense of cleanliness and lightness that not eating brings. Diet culture and weight loss honoring are triggers for that.
I have no answers right now. I am working to figure out what I can and will eat that is a bit more nutritious than my usuals without becoming judge-y and diet-y. But it’s a hard road so far and I’ve taken maybe 8 inches of steps along it.